Dark times

Published: 04.01.21

So I sat down with the idea to summarise the year. What ended up coming out was really a look into the past week I had, although I think there was a reason for that.  I made a voice recording recently that I want to release in the form of a podcast that details more candidly this past year (I recorded it around October.) I also want to do a follow-up because I feel like things have happened since then to add to the story. Otherwise I’ll re-record the whole thing and incorporate both into one long podcast! If you’re interested in my take on the year in general, you can listen to those when they’re out. 

For now, we’re focusing on this week! For the past few weeks I had been feeling really down. I’m not really sure why, I was waking up each morning feeling so wholeheartedly numb inside, or oscillating between that and the polar opposite, crying a lot. Perhaps it was due to the grief I felt around losing my grandpa,(the other day I had to remind myself it has only been around 4 months, although it feels like longer because so much has happened) this would be our first Christmas without him after all. 

If you follow me on Instagram, then it’s likely you’ll know we lost this gorgeous soul at the end of summer. It’s funny because if you look back at my previous blog post, I describe this almost impossibly perfect summer. It was as though I was waiting for the seasons to change, for something to burst the bubble. It was almost as though I knew a change was coming. 

The months that followed were truly some of the hardest I have endured in years. Everything changed, some things for the better, all of it feeling like a whirlwind. 

But back to this week; after a few weeks of feeling so inexplicably unhappy, I realised I had to make a change. It was as though someone turned off the light on Christmas evening, and I became so sad after my family had left and the day returned to “normal”  I noticed my thoughts were spiralling, I was regurgitating the same unhelpful thoughts often and I was observing a lot of judgement and frustration in my head towards others (some warranted, some blown out of proportion) I caught this fairly early on and the other day I decided to have a talk with myself. 

I realised the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing weren’t going to go away and that as much as I can try to deny them, it’s much better to bring them to the light and examine them for what they truly are. Luckily, I have a few things I know I could do to help. I told myself that if I needed to go back to therapy then I could do that. I also used to do a really good online program called Reparent (linked if you want to check it out because I found it so helpful) and that maybe it was time to revisit that. (I’ve felt huge shifts in my personal life when I’ve taken myself through this course in the past) I have a morning routine full of self-care practises that I do very occasionally. I told myself I would bring them back this week. And ultimately, I promised myself I would sit down to do my new years goals and intentions. 

I know new years resolutions get a bad rep within most people. I really do disagree with anything that places emphasis on the aesthetic. I see what the diet industry does to people; they strip away your self esteem in an attempt to sell it back to you. But, but I really do enjoy the odd goal-setting session on my own terms. Despite the arty interests, I am actually a very methodical person. I need to know where I’m headed in life, I need to see the bigger plan, I need to look at my life from a higher perspective in order to better understand the now. Regardless of whether the idea of being this organised turns you off personally or not, this is really what works for me. The other day I sat down to do my goals, I ended up with about 10 pages of notes and let me tell you, the amount of pressure this alleviated was huge. Imagine having this amount of information stored in your head with no outlet. Now it’s on the page I can forget about it and go about my life. To tell you the truth, it doesn't even matter what’s on there or if I even get there (and to be honest, we really shouldn’t be getting caught up on that part either). What matters to me is that I took a few hours to re-centre and evaluate my life. 

I’m all for flow, trust me, I live most of my life that way, which is why sometimes it’s important to be more practical with plans so the flowing has purpose to it. Thats just how I like to do it at least. 

It would seem that just these few actions, these promises to myself and my ability to tune in, figure out something was wrong and present myself with solutions have already caused me great relief. That’s not to say I won’t follow up with my initial ideas but it is to say that I feel like I’m cultivating a sense of trust within my body and my mind. I feel like I have my back recently and that feels really really nice. I feel like I’m growing into myself. 

Life can be so messy sometimes, and there are so many external influences and distortions. In my home life, I’ve finally started to feel settled. Moving while a blessing, is always stressful, moving into the home of a decreased relative can be equally emotive. It’s also been weird to switch to this idea of “this might be my forever home” and in fact, it’s brought all sorts up within me (imposter syndrome, worrying I’m “selling out” to the “norm” - I wanted a tiny house in the wilderness or to travel forever, worrying that having a nice house in the suburbs will make me less “cool” - wtf - but these are my thoughts?? - I could write a whole post on these thoughts in general) however that said, this house is an absolute blessing and it’s truly where I’m supposed to be. 

Last night, I came to the realisation that I was holding on too tight to life. “When was the last time you let yourself laugh?” I asked myself, “to be joyful?” Life can be so colourful and creative if you let it. Sometimes you just need to get out of your own way. Tonight, I lit the candles, poured myself a glass of wine (which I rarely do), cooked myself a gorgeous meal from scratch and blasted some music. Sometimes it really is the small things to put you back in your body and create joy.

I’m realising this is more of a reflection on my last week than my year but I truly felt this had to come first. This whole year has been a series of stories coming to an end. I’ve seen patterns resurface now that first started four years ago and in many ways I’m starting to feel like those cycles are complete. I am not the same person as I was at the start of 2019. I have grown, I am changing. I am growing now into who I’m supposed to be. I’m walking into this next week, and hopefully the year ahead with clarity and purpose. I have faith in my skills and abilities. 

I have faith in my ability to experience magic on this earth

Hoping to release my little podcast soon, where I speak more openly and candidly on the year (that was recorded around halloween time) and then I’m probably going to have to do a follow-on there and then! 

I have so many goals for this year, so many poems and projects I want to make. I truly believe this is the year for me creatively. I truly believe everything in life that has happened to me was to get me to arrive at this point fully. 

Forever glad for your readership and attention. Thank you for taking an interest in what goes on inside my mind. These blogs always feel so special to me and they always help me figure things out. 

Looking forward to speaking with you much sooner than you think. 

Lyndsay x