How things have been
Published: 20.06.19
It’s been a period of doing. A lot of life happened to me in a short space of time and I found myself thrown into a sea of constant activity. I’ve been doing my best to go with the flow and respond to things as they come up naturally. I’m usually a creature of habit and someone who relishes time alone. I like having my own space to process things.
Lately however, I have been in a state of constant doing. Aside from the urge to retreat inward in order to take stock of things, I actually feel like it has been good for me. Finally the feeling of summer is in the air. I always feel nostalgic this time of year, as it reminds me of something I can never truly put my finger on. A nostalgia from being a teenager maybe; when the summer holidays would seemingly stretch out ahead of me, bursting with potential and wonder, hinting that something outside the mundane was waiting for me, just beyond the horizon. I’ve always struggled to put into words the feeling that summer evokes in me.
Where have I been? What have I been doing? The answer is a whole lot of living. Spring came and with it brought the sense of lightness I had been craving. New work opportunities, new music, new people, new fashion and a full social calendar burst in to my quiet, grey life and added some colour. It’s almost a shame how jam packed my schedule was at this point because I will never be able to remember or retell all of the magic, chaos and chance meetings fully. But then I think that’s how it was supposed to be. I remember one day walking home from my job, looking at the blossoms on the trees, having to take out my notebook every couple of steps because poetry was just flowing out of me. I felt as though I was on the cusp of something.
Anyone who knows me will have heard me say that I become a different person in the summer. I mean, I’m me, I’m just lighter somehow. I still don’t feel like I will be able to bottle that sense of magic I was feeling during spring. I wanted so badly to sit down and write about it. Thats the thing with moments like this, sometimes they are just so fleeting. Sometimes you are faced with the choice to wrench yourself out of the moment in order to document it, sometimes you chose to stay in it and allow it to pass by you, as a sheer flicker in time that you will one day hopefully be able to chalk up in your hazy memory. My favourite antidote is when documenting becomes a moment all in itself. That one happens sparingly.
This spring, I found myself faced with a myriad of moments that I wanted to capture, to bottle, to hold in my hands in order to prove to people that they were indeed real. What I did instead, was decide to live through them. Maybe one day my hazy memories will be able to do some of the magic justice. Sometimes you just had to be there. Sometimes no matter how talented you are at storytelling or how great your vocabulary is, sometimes you will never be able to convey the feelings you experienced, to another person.
I think theres some sort of sweet, delicate pain that comes from being a writer. The sensation of not quite being able to grasp the words, conjures up a feeling that is so downright frustrating and yet so dangerously addictive at the same time.
I haven’t written like this in a long while; it feels more like prose than a blog entry. The last few poems I have written have been commissions which, while great; I cannot remember the last time I wrote something just for me. Life’s scenery has been passing me by so quickly.
I’m trying to be more independent. I’ve changed a lot. I’ve grown as a person. I feel stronger, I feel more creative, I feel more embodied. I feel harder in some ways, and I feel softer in all the best ways too. I’ve been unearthing things from inside me, and I’ve been feeling lighter & brighter as a result. I still feel heavily effected by my own emotions; learning to navigate this years highs and lows is an art I have not yet mastered. Especially since the past few years have been relatively easy to manage in comparison.
For now however, I’m not going to sweat it. Because as much as “doing the work” is important, sometimes life can be about the little things. Sometimes it doesn’t all have to be so hard. Sometimes it’s about drinking tea in bed and laughing at something stupid with a friend. Sometimes it’s about music, sometimes it’s about a great piece of art, sometimes it’s about someone who gives you their t-shirt to wear. Sometimes life can be about lightness. Sometimes life can be about romance.
Trying to be mindful and grateful in each and every moment, I’m learning, you guys.
Until then, I wish you a summer filled with sunsets & good music.
